The Profound Questions

Why? Could? Would? How? So questions often begin. Often, we can’t know the answers. Life is an eternal interrogation of the universe, and though the questions may not ever be answered, the questioning itself may be what’s most important. So what are they, the most common questions, which all humans eventually ask, and, seeking the wisdom of others, ask of the internet. From that very knowledge, of knowing the questions, we may infer much about the answers.

why are

I’m just going to pretend this didn’t happen.

could the

In order:
Yes, to a certain value of winning.
No. It would fold immediately. You wouldn’t like to be folded.
Yes, but why would we attack our own hat?
No, you religious primitives, because there is not and will be no anti-Christ, but if there were, yes, it could be a woman.

could the us

More Canada?

could canada

What is with this preoccupation with conquering Canada? “I had a friend once I thought was American, she seemed American, but then it turned out she was Canadian, it was wrong, morally wrong.” Is that it? Look, just because something is deeply disturbing (finding out Americans are actually Canadian always is) doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Whatever. Global questions evoke puerile feelings of jingoism. People are much better when facing the problems that belong to them.

could my

The first two challenge my sexist assumptions about who’s asking the third.

could my hus

For wives…

could my wife

Surprisingly similar. But children?

could my daugh

Could my daughter be a model? It’s sickening how focused our culture is on commoditizing female beauty.

could my son

Okay, male models too. I’m starting to wonder how many gay, diabetic, bipolar models with Asperger’s there are in the world. And apparently, the three main concerns about family members are whether they’re gay, autistic, or trying to kill us. Everything else is water under the bridge.

But you know, I don’t believe it. This is probably just Google engineers trying to entertain searchers. It doesn’t mean anything.

could by husband bing

Bing: Always a disappointment.

why are girls

Mean, stupid, confusing, emotional girls. Stereotypes, Jeez.

why are boys

Ah. I have the answer. Girls and boys are stupid and mean because they’re people.

PS: Manhole covers are round because manholes themselves are round.  You wouldn’t put a square lid on a round jar. And why are manholes round? The better for the turtles to fit.


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