A listicle of Intra-Cis sexualities.

We have wonderful new terms for defining sexuality with an ever increasing level of specificity. It’s not just LGBTQAI anymore. There’s demisexual, pansexual, gray-romantic, and so much more, each term sparkling and self-affirming.

Yet still, there aren’t enough. Too many people don’t have labels yet, and that makes them resentful, and being resentful makes them vote for Trump. I humbly suggest a series of new subdivisions.

1) Supposisexual: Supposisexuals are people, in their mid 20s or older, supposedly heterosexual, who have never taken their sexuality out for a spin. Virgins, innocents, people who aren’t sure that kissing as a real thing. They have dormant profiles on match.com and wrote “learn to smile” in their New Years resolutions.

They tend to be the very religious, the very awkward, or the very risk averse. Affirm them. Respect them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse identities.

2) Begosexual: They like to get it on, but only after a bacon sandwich. Some say this is just a fetish, but it’s more than that; it’s a lifestyle.

Affirm them. Respect them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse identities.

3) Lumbersexual: The lumbersexual identity has been ironically appropriated by bearded hipsters who like wearing flannel. This is deeply wounding to the nation’s true lumbersexuals, who are already facing severe adversity.

They’ve been sexually damaged by cutting down phallic symbols (trees) in order to make yonic symbols (barrels.) The resulting emasculization is treated through the use of phallic and masculine symbols in their leisure time. Tragically, the use of masculine symbology is stigmatized in modern society.

True lumbersexuals have messy, unwaxed beards, paunches, and smell of woodpulp, due to the time spent cutting down trees.

Affirm them. Respect them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse identities.

4) Felisexual:

Felisexuals are often slandered as being into bestiality. We must all stand up with a loud voice and repudiate this base libel. Felisexuals don’t sex their cats. Rather, the sexual orientation of felisexuals is controlled by the perceived opinions of their cats.

If they believe their cats would purr for a potential partner, they’re attracted to that potential partner regardless of gender or appearance. They tend to flirt by saying, “I think my cat would really like you,” and “I took a new picture of my cat today.” They may express the sentiment that “I just want my cat to be proud of me.”

Affirm them. Respect them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse identities.

5) Bibliosexuals

There are fetishists who get off on the smell of pulp paper, or who express a preference for their partner’s sex organs to be “blockier,” and “more book shaped,” but true bibliosexuality goes deeper than that.

Bibliosexuals interpret life as a series of of book excerpts, and are attracted to people according how much they’d be attracted to how that person would be portrayed as a character in a book. Bibliosexuals are turned on by a woman not because she has big boobs, but because it can be written, “Her giant knockers went up and down with each step, like two bunnies humping,” or are attracted to a man not because he is tall, dark and handsome but because “his face was striking, with brooding, intense eyes that saw through to her very soul.”

Respect them. Affirm them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse selves.

6) Mimisexuals: This is common among birds. Rather than making an independent assessment of a potential mate’s evolutionary fitness, the mimisexual follows the wisdom of crowds, and is attracted to people according to whether other individuals seem to be attracted to them.

It’s why your ex-best-friend hit on every guy you ever liked.

Respect her. Affirm her. Encourage her to embrace her diverse selves.

7) Lightingsexuals: This goes without saying.

Respect them. Affirm them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse selves.

8) Tapasexuals: More common among self-identified woman than self-identified men, tapasexuals are attracted to potential mates as a function of how often aforesaid potential mates take them out for tapas.

Respect them. Affirm them. Don’t date them unless your wallet is swole af.

9) Listisexual: Listisexuals are aroused by lists. They are attracted to people according to how naturally their characteristics could be arranged into an addicting list of discrete traits. The majority of buzzfeed and Bleacher-Report contributors are listisexuals.

Respect them. Affirm them. Encourage them to embrace their diverse selves.

10) Gymnisexuals: Gymnisexuals are attracted to people according to how easily they could the be the star of a bad daydream about professional sports. The majority of gymnisexuals are men, interested primarily in women. The conflict between attraction to women, and attraction to individuals according to suitability for sports daydreams, creates an unusual, complex pathos that gymnisexuals cope with by staring at the groinal areas of Major League Baseball players and watching women’s college volleyball.

This is your dad.

Respect him. Affirm him. Encourage him to embrace his diverse selves.


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